Tag Archives: Humor

Cats, Diapers, Sperm, Infertile, etc. etc. etc.

Posted on by
16

Moot points. Let the debate begin. I have all day.

RESPONSES TO THE QUESTION, “WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER HAVE KIDS?”

“Diapers are an environmental disaster (and also, yuck).”

“I enjoy my carefree lifestyle of two jobs, an elderly mother whose crises necessitate expensive bi-weekly trips out of state and a diabetic cat that needs insulin shots twice a day.”

“It was so great to catch up with you after all these years, really, but would you look at the time?”

“According to their profiles, all the sperm donors available were Rhodes Scholar finalists for both the Fields Medal and the Man Booker Prize who’d at least bronzed in the Olympics, and I really just wanted a regular kid.”

“That’s kind of a personal question, isn’t it?”

“I hate getting up before 9 am (mainly because I am sometimes up until then finishing freelance work).”

“I considered it, but I couldn’t afford a nanny, a dangerously ill-trained au pair or even a teenager who might work for $5 an hour and access to my unlocked liquor cabinet.” (That mid-shelf bourbon is fucking expensive.)

“My mother had it rough with my grandmother. I had it rough with my mother. My cat seems to think I’m pretty fucking awesome.”

“Do you ask childless middle-aged men this question?”

“As a matter of principle, I’m opposed to minivans.”

“Yes, I realize I’ve missed out on an integral part of the female experience. But the one week a month I spend writhing on the bathroom floor and bleeding through every goddamn overpriced tampon in the box helps remind me that I am, and always shall be, one with the sisterhood.”

“Why didn’t you ever have a cat?”

“Watch an episode of Better Things and then let me know if you still have any questions.”

“That’s really none of your business, is it?”

“Maybe I’m infertile! Maybe I had a miscarriage! Maybe I never met the right partner! Maybe I thought the prospect of having a child alone only made sense for women with a trust fund and the patience of Gandhi!”

“Maybe I wanted to break a dysfunctional family pattern and the only way I could figure out how to do it was to not have kids.”

“Maybe it’s none of your fucking business.”

“You’re right, I will have regrets when I’m in menopause! I regret staying in my dorm to study that night in 1984 when R.E.M. played The Rat. Beyond that, I’m good.”

“Yes, I realize there will be no one to take care of me in my old age. No one I can demand to hop on a plane to change my burned out lightbulbs and clip my toenails, no one who will spend hours scrubbing my kitchen — cleaning out the moldy cheeses and rancid mystery meats from the fridge, handwashing all the dishes because the dishwasher is broken and I’m too cheap to get it fixed — and who I will then berate because I would have preferred said adult child (almost certainly a daughter) use a different kind of cleaning solution, one that I refuse to believe has not been on the market since 1992. I’m good with paying strangers to put up with this kind of shit, thanks.”

“MAYBE IT’S NONE OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BUSINESS.”

“Yeah, probably I’m just selfish.”

Source: McSweeney written by Lisa Borders

You Should Be Writing

Posted on by
2

Recently, WordPress sent me a happy anniversary notification. Wow. At least someone remembers me. After that, I was notified that my Personal account is set to expire on January 15, 2021. Thank you again, WordPress, for the friendly reminder.

You Should Be Writing! I see this all the time from another site that I subscribe to, Writing about writing. This is another fun place that I spend time reading, not writing. 

Yep! Been busy writing. Writing comments (my opinion) on FaceBook. I know I can be opinionated objectively. I am not a hater. I do not attack. I do not post emojis or GiFs (god, I hate those!) because I should be writing.

BAMM! Haters and spammers, beware. Haters receive vitriol awards while spammers are reported to FB admin with a reply “spammer reported.” Oh, they easily remove their content. I go further and check out the rest that they replied to all commenters. I received applause, thank you, like, and love from commenters. This is just something to do while I entertain myself during Covid times. Desperate measures in desperate times bored to kingdom come.

BAN HAMMER

Since FB has difficulty banning hate speech on posts and commenters, I am taking this matter and using Thor’s hammer. I wonder how many users I can block? I’ve lost count.

Goodness. I do receive some good responses and people with a sense of humor. Those are the best. For example, I respond to this comment when our good doctor decided to prohibit all religious sites from having services for the next two weeks. (This news did not go well) Anyway, the conversation goes … thread.

SN: It baffles me too. Restaurants, bars, and even schools remain open, but you can’t attend church! This is starting to look like the government take over!

Me: SN, I posted the same thing on different media. Churches have been good in the prior mandate of 50 max attendees; they use masks, and only two people in a pew every other row. Transits, trains, restaurants, bars, cinemas, malls are high traffic. If the government has to mandate, it has to be objective and universal. The media’s first focus was the temples, now the Catholics. What’s next?

Someone chimed in:

PM: The government will place an agent in your house, and you’ll be prevented from any form of worship. This happens on Monday. Afternoon.

Me: That would be really nice. I hope the agent is not allergic to cats.

PM: hahaha. I hope he loves cats.

Me: I sure hope so; cats are gods. I worship them. Tee hee.

PM: I like them, but my dogs take exception to cohabit with a cat(s). My dogs discovered eBay and sold the cats.

Me: Laughing hard. This is way too funny. Dogs are just way too smart than the masters, I want to have a dog, too, but my cats insist on total loyalty.

PM: my dog is smarter and better looking than I ever was. (Sent me a picture of his dog.)

Me: Well, but wisdom comes with age and good humor. This is one handsome canine. This dog reminded me of my Doberman many years ago.

We both had a good conversation outside a sensitive topic.

Back to writing about writing. I did make one contribution to the community, and it went very well amongst the writers.

WordPress: Please do not feel neglected. I am still you’re number one fan. I love it here; feeling secured from spammers and the community of bloggers is tremendously wonderful.

FaceBook: You could do better.

Dream Works

Posted on by
4

“We may be different and far apart” is an artwork of an elementary student working as a part of a team at school sees the future being as one organized nucleus in living in harmony.

Well done!

Now, we are still working part of the team, alone.

Reader’s Digest compiled a selection of video conferencing working from home. We may be at home, one thing we have to remind ourselves is that etiquette still rules!

Prime example:

And there is zoom as distant learning. Imagine yourself falling asleep or logging in to a different class in another country. Oops.

I remember at work, we had a team IT telephone conference. At the other line, we could hear a trickle of liquid, then gushing, then plush. I can only think of a bathroom break. Should we laugh out loud during the meeting? We were well mannered. Complete silence.

Got any to contribute to making our teamwork to crack the monotony of working alone?

“How long should an engagement last?”

Gallery

Posted on by

Ask me a question, and I will answer accordingly. In social media, Aleteia started its post by raising this question: “How long should an engagement last?” It sounds rhetoric to me. I am more interested in the question rather than … Continue reading →

These Nuns are out of Order #SuperbowlinTheConvent

Gallery

Posted on by

This gallery contains 1 photo.

Between Layla and I, to keep us entertained, we followed what the nuns were tweeting. Reading their tweets were more exciting than the game itself. Hilarious! Sister Bethany, fsp‏ @SrBethanyFSP Feb 4 Nun 1: Did you see that player? He made the … Continue reading →

My New Primary Doctor

Image

9

doctorQ: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…
  5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

source: e-mail chain

1 out of my 16 personalities

Image

14

personality-test-entertainerI just found out that I will make you smile! Only Carl D’Agostino can make you smile.

Didn’t I just write about my unipolar personality for the whole week when I participated in Let’s Talk? I thought I will become as famous as Clara Hughes. Instead, my STATS flatlined!

According to this personality test, I am an entertainer with the following characteristic traits:

  • An introverted mind that determines how I interact with my environment.
  • Observant energy where I direct my mental capacity.
  • My nature is closer to 60% feeling in decision-making and coping with my emotions.
  • My tactical approach is less judgmental and more on the prospective side in work, planning, and decision-making.
  • And this is BIG, it describes identity. Identity underpins all of the above. It tested that I have no identity crisis. Meaning, I am assertive.

Huh? Really? This is so uncouth.

Go ahead. Try your personality test and let me know how accurate this is for you.

The Question

Image

4

no-man-no-problem

I am not the only single person in the world. There are a lot of us. People are always curious about our love life and they ask:

when are you going to get married?
who are you seeing?
how come you are not married?
are you gay?
it goes on….

Now, how do we stop our friends and families from asking?

Source : Urban Etiquette by Ellen Vanstone at Metro News

Church Bulletins – They’re Back!

Gallery

Posted on by

This gallery contains 1 photo.

Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the errors and BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this … Continue reading →

Thank Goodness It’s Wednesday

Gallery

Posted on by

This gallery contains 1 photo.

I told my sisters not to shop on their trip to Holy Land and pay more attention to the real purpose of their pilgrimage: to walk where Jesus walked. So, instead, they sent me a photo of what they could … Continue reading →

Calvin and Hobbes would be perfect in Cuba

Gallery

Posted on by

This gallery contains 8 photos.

In the mind of Calvin and Hobbes, they could easily fly anywhere they want to be. Imagine them riding this catapult and thrown into oblivion and beyond! One of the belief system in Cuba is to call on a witch … Continue reading →

…anyway. One tough act to follow.

Gallery

Posted on by

This gallery contains 1 photo.

This is the original version of Mother Teresa’s “Do it anyway” posted here written by Dr. Kent M. Keith. It is surprising to know that it was part of booklet for student leaders. Mother Teresa’s was re-written for spiritual purposes. In the real world, this is … Continue reading →

At the end of the day, victory prevails.

Gallery

Posted on by

This gallery contains 4 photos.

Batman, Wonder Woman, Superman: these are just a few superheroes the children want to be when they grow up. As adults, we show them they are the symbol of victory, the one who will save us, to serve and protect … Continue reading →

Church service in the future

Gallery

Posted on by

This gallery contains 1 photo.

PASTOR:   “The Lord be with you!” CONGREGATION :  “And with your spirit” PASTOR:   “Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13.  And please switch on your Bluetooth to … Continue reading →

How a tweet can bring out the twit in you.

Gallery

Posted on by

This gallery contains 1 photo.

A young deer was spotted roaming downtown Vancouver Tuesday morning, sparking concern for the animal’s safety. It spread like wildfire through tweets. First tweet:  Something you don’t typically see in downtown Vancouver – a young deer on Granville Street. From … Continue reading →

Road Sign: Beaver in Utero Just Ahead

Gallery

Posted on by

This gallery contains 3 photos.

An American traveled to Canada and had difficulty understanding our road signs. He came up with a name for this sign. ‘Beaver in utero just ahead.‘ Actual meaning of the sign: Parks Canada The more he traveled in our country, the weirder … Continue reading →

Psychologically speaking, age is a game.

Gallery

Posted on by

This gallery contains 1 photo.

Ask kids how old they are and they will tell you the truth. They are honest about their age. Using their tiny fingers; they will show you the exact number. When kids learn philosophy, age is about “almost” three or … Continue reading →

Wretched Writers Welcome

Gallery

Posted on by

This gallery contains 1 photo.

I am changing 3Ps to 3Ws (Wretched Writers Welcome) by joining Bulwer-Lytton since I am not much of a writer because English is my second language. In this site, maybe I might win the Dishonorable Mention Award should I join their contest. … Continue reading →

Proverbs

Image

22

WisdomA 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

  • Don’t change horses …until they stop running.
  • Strike while the …bug is close.
  • It’s always darkest before …Daylight Saving Time.
  • Never underestimate the power of …termites.
  • You can lead a horse to water but …How?
  • Don’t bite the hand that …looks dirty.
  • No news is …impossible.
  • A miss is as good as a …Mr.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new …Math.
  • If you lie down with dogs, you’ll …stink in the morning.
  • Love all, trust …Me.
  • The pen is mightier than the …pigs.
  • An idle mind is …the best way to relax.
  • Where there’s smoke there’s …pollution.
  • Happy the bride who …gets all the presents.
  • A penny saved is …not much.
  • Two’s company, three’s …the Musketeers.
  • Don’t put off till tomorrow what …you put on to go to bed.
  • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and …You have to blow your nose.
  • There are none so blind as …Stevie Wonder.
  • Children should be seen and not …spanked or grounded.
  • If at first you don’t succeed …get new batteries.
  • You get out of something only what you …See in the picture on the box.
  • When the blind lead the blind …get out of the way.
  • A bird in the hand …is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

  • Better late than … Pregnant!

Hat tip: Weezie
Image Credit: Love, Live and Laugh
Posted by

Unhappily Married: An Indian Humour

Posted on by
6

These photos were taken from a shopping bag “Unhappily Married” and should explain the title.

Cows, boat and huge family

Cows, boat and huge family: Only in India!

Black sheep and Kama Sutra

Black sheep and Kama Sūtra

Drinking beer is cheaper than being married

Drinking beer is cheaper than being married

Check out their Facebook, it’s hilarious. Go ahead, it’s pure and clean.

 

Instructions for installing a husband

Gallery

Posted on by

This gallery contains 1 photo.

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband … Continue reading →

Psychiatric Help

Posted on by
11

And the very best thing in this journey of losing my mind is that God stayed by my side and I am forever grateful for that. Furthermore, my sense of humor returned.

Facebook: Snoopy

Facebook: Snoopy

 Go ahead and hug a dog, a cat, a tree,
Let me know how that feels for you.