Tag Archives: Humor

These Nuns are out of Order #SuperbowlinTheConvent

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Between Layla and I, to keep us entertained, we followed what the nuns were tweeting. Reading their tweets were more exciting than the game itself. Hilarious! Sister Bethany, fsp‏ @SrBethanyFSP Feb 4 Nun 1: Did you see that player? He made the … Continue reading →

My New Primary Doctor

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doctorQ: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…
  5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

source: e-mail chain

1 out of my 16 personalities

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personality-test-entertainerI just found out that I will make you smile! Only Carl D’Agostino can make you smile.

Didn’t I just write about my unipolar personality for the whole week when I participated in Let’s Talk? I thought I will become as famous as Clara Hughes. Instead, my STATS flatlined!

According to this personality test, I am an entertainer with the following characteristic traits:

  • An introverted mind that determines how I interact with my environment.
  • Observant energy where I direct my mental capacity.
  • My nature is closer to 60% feeling in decision-making and coping with my emotions.
  • My tactical approach is less judgmental and more on the prospective side in work, planning, and decision-making.
  • And this is BIG, it describes identity. Identity underpins all of the above. It tested that I have no identity crisis. Meaning, I am assertive.

Huh? Really? This is so uncouth.

Go ahead. Try your personality test and let me know how accurate this is for you.

The Question

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no-man-no-problem

I am not the only single person in the world. There are a lot of us. People are always curious about our love life and they ask:

when are you going to get married?
who are you seeing?
how come you are not married?
are you gay?
it goes on….

Now, how do we stop our friends and families from asking?

Source : Urban Etiquette by Ellen Vanstone at Metro News

Church Bulletins – They’re Back!

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Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the errors and BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this … Continue reading →

Thank Goodness It’s Wednesday

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I told my sisters not to shop on their trip to Holy Land and pay more attention to the real purpose of their pilgrimage: to walk where Jesus walked. So, instead, they sent me a photo of what they could … Continue reading →

Calvin and Hobbes would be perfect in Cuba

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In the mind of Calvin and Hobbes, they could easily fly anywhere they want to be. Imagine them riding this catapult and thrown into oblivion and beyond! One of the belief system in Cuba is to call on a witch … Continue reading →

…anyway. One tough act to follow.

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This is the original version of Mother Teresa’s “Do it anyway” posted here written by Dr. Kent M. Keith. It is surprising to know that it was part of booklet for student leaders. Mother Teresa’s was re-written for spiritual purposes. In the real world, this is … Continue reading →

At the end of the day, victory prevails.

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Batman, Wonder Woman, Superman: these are just a few superheroes the children want to be when they grow up. As adults, we show them they are the symbol of victory, the one who will save us, to serve and protect … Continue reading →

Church service in the future

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PASTOR:   “The Lord be with you!” CONGREGATION :  “And with your spirit” PASTOR:   “Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13.  And please switch on your Bluetooth to … Continue reading →

How a tweet can bring out the twit in you.

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A young deer was spotted roaming downtown Vancouver Tuesday morning, sparking concern for the animal’s safety. It spread like wildfire through tweets. First tweet:  Something you don’t typically see in downtown Vancouver – a young deer on Granville Street. From … Continue reading →

Road Sign: Beaver in Utero Just Ahead

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An American traveled to Canada and had difficulty understanding our road signs. He came up with a name for this sign. ‘Beaver in utero just ahead.‘ Actual meaning of the sign: Parks Canada The more he traveled in our country, the weirder … Continue reading →

Psychologically speaking, age is a game.

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Ask kids how old they are and they will tell you the truth. They are honest about their age. Using their tiny fingers; they will show you the exact number. When kids learn philosophy, age is about “almost” three or … Continue reading →

Wretched Writers Welcome

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I am changing 3Ps to 3Ws (Wretched Writers Welcome) by joining Bulwer-Lytton since I am not much of a writer because English is my second language. In this site, maybe I might win the Dishonorable Mention Award should I join their contest. … Continue reading →

Proverbs

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WisdomA 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

  • Don’t change horses …until they stop running.
  • Strike while the …bug is close.
  • It’s always darkest before …Daylight Saving Time.
  • Never underestimate the power of …termites.
  • You can lead a horse to water but …How?
  • Don’t bite the hand that …looks dirty.
  • No news is …impossible.
  • A miss is as good as a …Mr.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new …Math.
  • If you lie down with dogs, you’ll …stink in the morning.
  • Love all, trust …Me.
  • The pen is mightier than the …pigs.
  • An idle mind is …the best way to relax.
  • Where there’s smoke there’s …pollution.
  • Happy the bride who …gets all the presents.
  • A penny saved is …not much.
  • Two’s company, three’s …the Musketeers.
  • Don’t put off till tomorrow what …you put on to go to bed.
  • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and …You have to blow your nose.
  • There are none so blind as …Stevie Wonder.
  • Children should be seen and not …spanked or grounded.
  • If at first you don’t succeed …get new batteries.
  • You get out of something only what you …See in the picture on the box.
  • When the blind lead the blind …get out of the way.
  • A bird in the hand …is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

  • Better late than … Pregnant!

Hat tip: Weezie
Image Credit: Love, Live and Laugh
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Unhappily Married: An Indian Humour

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These photos were taken from a shopping bag “Unhappily Married” and should explain the title.

Cows, boat and huge family

Cows, boat and huge family: Only in India!

Black sheep and Kama Sutra

Black sheep and Kama Sūtra

Drinking beer is cheaper than being married

Drinking beer is cheaper than being married

Check out their Facebook, it’s hilarious. Go ahead, it’s pure and clean.

 

Instructions for installing a husband

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Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband … Continue reading →

Psychiatric Help

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And the very best thing in this journey of losing my mind is that God stayed by my side and I am forever grateful for that. Furthermore, my sense of humor returned.

Facebook: Snoopy

Facebook: Snoopy

 Go ahead and hug a dog, a cat, a tree,
Let me know how that feels for you.

BORROWING FROM GOD

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At the end of the day, I need humour. And I got it and I don’t even have to wait….

WISDOM STORIES TO LIVE BY

A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.

“God”, he said, “how long is a million years?”

God answered, “In my frame of reference, it’s about a minute.”

The man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars?”

God answered, “To me, it’s a penny.”

The man then asked, “God, can I have a penny?”

God answered, “In a minute.”

Source | Roger Kuder, Jokes and Riddles
(lulu.com, 2012)  page 11

________________

Another rendition of the same story:

A man was talking to God one day, and he said, “God, I have always wanted to ask you this question.” He said, “God, from your perspective how long is a million years?”

God said, “In my perspective, a million years is a second.”

“Wow, a second!” He then said, “God, from your…

View original post 101 more words

Literal Definition of Literally.

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Since English is my second language, I think and speak in literal terms, literally.  I followed this article for the longest time and I find it humorous. ‘Literally’ literally means what now?  CNN Living (CNN) — This is going to give grammarians … Continue reading →

Never enough

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NatGeo Kisses

Kisses

“Calvin: Dad where do babies come from?
Dad: Well Calvin, you simply go to Sears, buy the kit and follow the assembly instructions.
Calvin: I came from Sears?
Dad: No you were a blue-light special at K-Mart – almost as good and a lot cheaper!”
― Bill Watterson

 

Purr-fect Friday

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Guilty!  Mr. Frenchie caught me red-handed taking a picture of his cat sitting on the window sill from the lawn.  It was more like “who is that strange lady at the lawn taking a picture of my apartment?”  I know; strange things do happen; stranger still when it’s me.  
Mr. Frenchie is kind enough to invite me in to see the cat. 
The minute the door opened, a cat bolted out to escape.  A chase down the hall ensued, cats will be cats. I can’t really tell whether this is his cat or the nameless one.  Both of them have the same gray fur. 
If you have a cat, what is the first thing they do when you come home?  Meow, feed me, please.  This is exactly what the nameless one did.  As a good foster human Mr. Frenchie is, he obliged.  Apparently, this is the nameless one, and he named her Nymeria.  Akayle is his original cat. 
As for Mr. Pig, Mr. Frenchie has asked him should he wish to take the cat back, he is more than welcome.  It’s his cat in the first place.  Apparently, he has not responded Mr. Frenchie’s kind offer.  I hope Mr. Pig will not reclaim Nymeria for she is so happily settling down with him and her sister, Akayle. 
I’ve never seen a human male who loves cats so much as Mr. Frenchie.  I hope this will be the beginning of a beautiful relationship, especially for Akeyla. 
First day, sick and exhausted
Velcro, human you are mine now.
Best spot to sleep
Humour from Mr. Frenchie
Nymeria hidden under the rack while Akeyla drinks
After dinner nap
Window dressing

 Purr~fect.  Our Cat prayers are answered.  Pictures through the courtesy of Mr. Frenchie. 
Thank you, Lord, for sending Mr. Frenchie.
 
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More than what a genie can provide

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When I injured my back due to work related activity, enter Workers Compensation Board (WCB).  
Having an exposure to WCB, I learned that this body has to work in an ergonomically correct environment in order to suite my needs.  The chair, the height of the desk, lighting, keyboard, etc. has to be measured.  It’s all fine and dandy; this body can find no comfort.  The constant pain reminds me that I am still alive and I am grateful for that.
Can the genie grant me new body?  I think not.  Therefore, a perfect space for reading and writing is a mere illusion.
However, I find the joy of writing in so many ways as long as I carry with me a small notebook.  I am a constant note taker.  There’s a box of notebooks or journals I’ve written on daily activities about the injury.  Oh well. 
Here’s a thought.  When I moved to Room 306, for reading and writing-table, all I had was a cardboard box, a 3×4 piece of wood and a chair.  I love this make shift table.  The kids used this as their drawing table.  One drawing is still on the table, the face of Calvin; hair all sticking up and the silly grin on his face.  This piece of wood still exist. 
As for the box, it’s gone.  I have to throw it out because of a silly squirrel.  
One sultry day, I left the balcony open.  I came home that the box was all chewed up because the squirrel is a climber and got into Room 306.  UGH.  My favourite table is now chewed into bits and pieces. 
Fast forward, no more squirrels and this is how my best place to write looks like.  With classical music in the background and the drapes wide open so that I could see the hummingbird, it’s heavenly.  More than what a genie can give.  Perfect.
Source: Nephews FaceBook

 This is in response to Daily Prompt: Writing Room.  Come and join us, it’s fun.