~ Ninety percent of population is massed within 100 miles of northern American border.
~ Seems not to mind that one of its provinces has turned almost entirely French.
~ Excessive politeness only makes sense as cover for something truly sinister. But what?
~ Citizens seem strangely impervious to cold.
~ Decriminalization of marijuana and acceptance of gay marriage without corresponding collapse of social institutions indicate Canada may, in fact, be indestructible.
~ Has infiltrated entertainment industry with singers, actors, and comedians practically indistinguishable from their American counterparts.
~ Consistently stays just below cultural radar yet never quite disappears.
~ Parliamentary government and common-law judiciary appear to function acceptably yet remain completely inscrutable.
~ Never had a “disco phase.”
~ Seemingly endless supply of timber, donuts, and Scotch-plaid hats with earflaps.
~ Keeps insisting it “has no designs on America” and “only wants peace.”
~ Plays a mean game of pond hockey.
According to McSweeney: REASONS TO FEAR CANADA
by SEAN CARMAN